When you meet someone you truly like, there is the love you feel for the other person and the desire to be with them in some form. This desire to be with them can trigger control.
Within a relationship, if you like the other person, you can start to try to control the other person to be with them or to be happy in the relationship. The need to control the other person can arise in subtle ways. It can arise with the intention to help the other person, to protect the relationship or so you keep liking the other or any other reason.
Although the reasoning behind wanting to control the other person can be positive, it is always a burden to the other person. The other feels the pressure of your control and might resist the attempt to control him or her, or go along with it and move with the attempt to control. No matter how the other responds, no matter what your intention may be, the other is always happier in the long-term when he or she is not controlled. Always, without exception, whether they say they like it or not. Controlling your partner is a burden to them.
If you really love your partner, do not try to control or change them but let them be free in any way they want to. If you want to control your partner you do not love them completely, you love a part of them and your love for them is conditional in nature. It is based on them being nice, doing the dishes or making money or something else.
Maybe the relationship is not meant to be, maybe your partner changes over time. The outcome is irrelevant but the process crucial. Let your partner be free to choose and live his or her life, with or without you.
When you have responsibilities together then you can talk about how you each would like to fulfill the responsibility. When you are not aligned, then the person that expects more need to take the responsibility for what they expect or change their expectations. As a partner you do not need, but can take on the other’s responsibilities.
In a normal non-abusive relationship, your choices are always: accept the other person in their freedom, talk about their free actions, meet somewhere in the middle, or leave the relationship. You do not need to accept the control over your life. It is not wrong to discuss your preferences or how you would want to live in freedom.
Not only let yourself live in freedom but also let your partner be free and live together with you in freedom. Sometimes that may not be possible and you give in to their expectations. It’s very normal if that happens once in a while but not if that is the standard. A relationship should be two people that are free, living together in freedom, instead of two people living in bondage together, that are not happy because of their bondage.
You can ask yourself the following questions:
-Is my partner accepting the real me?
-Is our relationship enhancing my freedom?
-Is the relationship bringing more freedom or more bondage?
-Is my relationship helping or hurting me or my partner?
Kees Blok is a Certified Coach & Teacher, Coaching People in Amsterdam and Remotely to Reduce Stress and Improve Flow through Meditation, Nonduality and Coaching.
